An uphill battle worth climbing...

I've been at the bottom many times and where am I now?
Well, it's hard to say.

I've fallen time and time again but I've continued to get back up.
I've continued to find my way out of the pile of rocks and dust myself off and continue climbing. I'm no where near the top and I may never be, but I'm climbing. It's a rocky climb, for sure, with leaps and hurdles. But I'm striving to overcome them one by one. That's ALL I can do. That is all anyone can do.

The sad thing is that once you think you have your feet on the ground, something else huge comes by and sweeps you off your feet and throws you right back on the bottom. But that's when you pick yourself back up and start climbing some more.
It's hard, because you start losing energy.
Some days you just need to rest.
We all need rest.
But how much rest do you need?
When is enough enough?
When is it too much?
How do you ever know what is "right" amount?
Your body will tell you.
You can do this. You are capable of great things.
You are capable of a healthy, successful life.

Sometimes I wonder if all the treatment I've been through in my life has been helpful. Since the age of 13 I've had services outpatient with Crime Victims Council twice, Valley Youth House, another mobile therapy service I'm forgetting, Milestones, Elwyn, NHS ACT, LV ACT, Salisbury Behavioral Health, Glenn R Koch and Associates, Private Clincians, and the many, MANY inpatient stays at LVH-M, Sacred Heart, St. Lukes, Devereux, Gnaden Huetten, and EAC Long Term Care.
I've had Electric Shock Therapy, Biofeedback, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.... not to mention all the counseling approaches that have been made, treatment and safety plans, behavioral plans, and god knows what else in actual counseling sessions....

What more is there?

I work hard in life.
But when is it enough?

Sometimes, mental illness is overpowering. Sometimes, it almost doesn't matter how much you put in to it. Sometimes the "dark side" is so dark that the positive efforts you put in are so overpowering that all that "helpful" input was forgotten about.

Have you become another person?
Have you lost complete control?
Are those your thoughts or someone elses?
Do you even remember the last hour of your life?

It can be truly scary.

But it isn't impossible to life a healthy, successful life.


TRAUMA SUCKS.

but life doesn't have to.