I laid with my neck in that rope for 6 minutes at 23 seconds before gaining consciousness and began to lift myself off the ground and figure out a way to maneuver myself out of the mess I had created.
Now, my full body weight was not engaged in this, however, I was most definitely being drained from cutting of the circulation and was losing pressure.
However, I lived.
Once again, I survived. God was with me. And damnit, it was a sign. RIGHT in front of my face, obvious as it can be, clear as a bell, "YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!"
"STOP what you are doing, and LIVE a little!!! not a little.. but a LOT!"
"YOU have REASONS to LIVE... go out and DO it!"
And here I am today.
I may not have it all. But I have life. and THAT is something to be thankful for.
I may the aftermath of some mental health problems, but I am conquering them day after day.
I am surviving. I am a SURVIVOR. And I can and WILL survive life.
I have overcome SO much in life. There is NOTHING that is going to stop me.
Not the 5 people who I thought took my life away from abuse, not the people who have called me terrible names, not the people who hurt me, not myself, not past relationships, not my poor self image, self esteem, body image, boundary issues, poor relationships, being fired, having no money to fall on, the fear of losing my apartment and car, not being sick and struggling through a lifetime of hospitalizations....
NOTHING will stop ME from success.
I made a decision after my last suicide attempt to LIVE and THAT is what I am going to do.
Let it be known, since the age of 13, I have attempted suicide more times than I am aware. But in just the last year, I have tried 5 times.
NO more. I am LIVING my life.
I made an oath in August when I joined an amazing company, Younique, to be positive. I had made MANY changes at that time... new job, new apartment, leaving 2 other jobs, new church, moving away from my girlfriend for a new start, all in addition to Younique, ALL within the same week or two... I was determined it would provide stability and structure.
I may have lost the means to provide the stability. BUT, I will not lose the structure, and I will FIND a NEW way for the stability because I am a PROBLEM SOLVER who is DETERMINED to SUCCEED.
I am on board the game of life. And I've got this. God's got this. We've got this.
I've got me.
