I started my day feeling better than the last, thinking maybe I'd Uber or Lyft to make a few extra bucks in the afternoon to supplement getting fired last week from my job for the medical hospitalizations I had and missed shifts at work for. However, on the way to the Humane Society to get food and litter for the kittens I am fostering, my mood suddenly shifted.
I hear a song on the radio, he sings, "Dear Younger Me...."
Tears stream down my face....
My mind is wandering in a thousand different places....
The younger me was so hurt, had such a distorted view of what life could have been like. Now I struggle to gain control of my life. I'm sometimes stuck in that younger version and I fight to get to reality.
She's screaming, and she's throwing punches. Sometimes she doesn't even want to live. She is so broken. She feels so abandoned. So alone. So mistreated. So afraid. So lost.
And then there are these thoughts....
"I wonder if I drove into that pole and crashed my car if it'd cause enough damage to kill me?"
"But I don't want to just damage my car and live through that, that'd be awful."
and then...
"Oh, look. A bridge. I could get off at the next exit and pull over to the side so I could just jump off before a truck comes so they can run over me. That should do it."
"Your nieces, your nephew, your girlfriend, your family... there are people who care. Stop."
"Or you could just try the pills again and hope no one finds you and interrupts the process."
"Stop, Go home and take some medicine and just calm your thoughts down. It will pass."
Just taking notice to the 95 mph you're driving on Route 78 E with the tears streaming down your face and the song "Imagine" comes on the radio...
CHANGE THE F'ING SONG...
Yes, I have alters.
Will I ever get better?
I don't freaking know.
Am I upset that I've lost some of the most supportive people I've ever had in my life? Hell f'ing yes.
Is it out of my control? Yes, yes it is. Did I deserve it? No, no I didn't.
Did I make it home to take some PRN's and lay with my weighted blanket for 5 hours and sleep it off till the next time? YES, yes I did.
There are no guarantees with life. There never are. Mental illness is no easy feat. It was never claimed to be.
I don't understand why this keeps happening.
I wasn't medically cleared this last 30 day round for ECT due to my current back issues so I haven't had ECT for over a month now... so there is that... My psychiatrist mentioned TMS but I have Medicaid not Medicare so that is out... I have no income.. an apartment to pay for and all that goes with it, car insurance, a car payment, you know- all those grown up things.. I apparently can't handle a job and recovery from mental and physical illnesses at the same time... it just doesn't work for me..
I want so badly to go out to the store and get tylenol for my tooth, but all my pills are locked up and it needs to stay that way... I already took all the over the counter pain pills I had out for the week... and now I'm screwed until Saturday when my girlfriend comes to give me more... This is the life I've created for myself... a 30 year old who has pills managed by her girlfriend because she can't stay safe otherwise... Right.
Is this life?
What is this?
Tell me again why I'm living this life? Is it really worth it?
It feels as if nothing is ever working out. Nothing. And no, I'm not trying to trying to think all black and white, but this is truly my life. So much has gone down the hole. What is recovery? What is healing? Why can't I get there? I'm too aware and not able to manage things. I can't get out of this. Not alone. And I feel so stuck in it. This is bad.
