6 Months of ME

It took me a good 10 minutes to figure out what to name this entry.

Do I name this blog "success"? Do I name this "recovery"? Health? Steps in the "right" direction?

It's hard to determine if I'm having success. If this is true recovery. If I'm really healthy. If I'm headed in the "right" direction. But then I tell myself, struggling with mental health leads you on a road of a life long term of recovery. Am I healthy? I'm healthier. I choose healthier coping, yes. Do I fall? Yes. We all do. And if we lie to ourselves that we don't than we're in denial. No one is perfect. We all have our demons we may give in to, the things we're trying to stay away from and may do from time to time. If we can choose healthy things in their place we can rightly reward ourselves and agree that "yes" we are taking care or ourselves and may be headed in the "right" direction, wherever that be leading us.

From the age of 9 I started hurting myself. It's safe to say that much younger than that I was fighting a demon darker than I knew how to handle.

By the age of 13 I had my first hospitalization and suicide attempt. I really don't know statistics from there on out, but I do know that from September 2016-September 2017, there were 6 attempts alone.

In the last 6 months, AS OF TODAY, there have been 0 attempts.

0. Zero.

I have not been in a hospital for 7 months and 23 days.

I may not have it "all" together. I may not have the "picture perfect life." 

I may go to to therapy every week, the psychiatrist every month, and have an intensive case manager that comes to my house a couple times a month....

But this has been 6 months of me, living, breathing, no attempts, in MY community OUT of a hospital...

When you've spent more days than not in a hospital from 13-29 years of age, this is kind of a win. So I'm not sorry to write a post about it. This is kind of important. And if it's not to you, well then, I'm sorry you took the time to read it.

since my last attempt

since my last psychiatric hospitalization